Working through the rough patches is never as pleasing as I hope it could be. It's not like I find a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow. The victory of winning the hard days is waking up the next day, and having to push through it again.
The will to live is a difficult will for me to have. I'm twenty-five, and I know that the more years that pass, the more days I'll be battling my depression. I doubt there will ever be a cure, putting hope in that probability is destructive to my sense of moving forward.
On the difficult days, I have used consumption as a fix. Buying clothes, sugar, or for instance, I'm at a pizza place right now. Buying something to make me feel better in the moment has proven more destructive than it is helpful. Picking up trash is ritual that helps me realize consumption does not prove happiness. A big part of me starting this journey was selling and donating most of my items. The more toys, books, and clothes I watched leave my life, the lighter I felt.
Getting a job does not help my happiness. When I was visiting back home, I went back to my job, and somehow left with less than I came home with. Making money, no matter what I'm doing, is not a reward to me. I have no sense of what saving money will do to help me in the future. I never really had a visual growing up of saving money, the second it's in my hand, I feel the need to trade it for something.
So what can I do to make myself happy? How can I push through the rough days and find a reason to smile and a will to live?
I want to talk openly about depression to people of different ages and backgrounds. I want to help others find a reason to keep moving forward. I want to minimize the money I feel I need to make. I want to find alternative ways of achieving what I need to wake up the next day.
I hope one day I can handle being alone with myself and not feel hateful. I'm working towards loving the sound of my voice, as it is the tool I need to achieve helping others. I want my smile to be the warm welcome someone needs, my arms a full embrace to make them feel safe.
Loving me is hard, but loving others comes so easily. I was given this as a gift, and I need to use it as one.
Hey Jennise!I just want to let you know that I'm thinking about you from Denver. Please feel like you've got an angel walking over you as you traverse the Mississippi. Your pin hangs on my car's sun shade, and I see it every time I push the garage door opener. I'm following along in spirit and know the best is happening for you! Chris at EatWalkLearn.
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