Is this what you want

Is this who you want to be?

Six months have gone by
And I still have days that feel pretty useless. Every time I am here, I have to remind myself this is a part of me. This voice that says "the fight is not worth it" will always be there.
Living with this voice is the only way. I cant remove it, no amount of travel or drugs will silence it forever it'll always be there. It's me.

I've met so many people on this journey. Some places and stories are starting to blend, but the feelings they give me are still there. They all want me to find happiness. They all want to do their best in helping out. They are the voices I think of on days like today.

I have been told by many "I hope you find what you are looking for". I believe I'll never find what I'm looking for. What I want is unattainable, but what I need will help me get through the days. I need to sleep. I need to eat. I like good conversation and sweets, catchy music and to laugh, but can I function without these things? I have before.

Keep fighting. Keep moving forward. Carry your own weight.
The words that come out of my mouth aren't always regarded kindly. Why am I wanting to move forward? What's the damn point of it all?

I don't think I'll ever fully fit in somewhere. It's not a pity party, I feel it's the truth. I made myself up to be everybodies jester for such a long time, I cant figure out how to be my own best friend. I changed things about myself for other people to fit me into their lives. Now I'm here, and I want to be my authentic self, and I'm realizing I'm bored with my actual self.

So here's to taking a shower, a deep breath, and trying to push past all the bullshit that is in my head. I can't become anything worthwhile as I sit and pity myself. It takes work, and I'm going to keep pushing. Life has to be worth something more. Life must have a meaning, and I have to find that meaning for myself.

Deep breaths.