I'm aware that everyone's questions want to be answered.

Giant question marks are made to have a conclusion or idea after them. Why do I want to live out of my backpack, and meander the country? I want to prove to myself that I can. Even with a bad ankle and no real survival skills, a girl in her mid-twenties can do what she sets her mind to.
Will this bring me fortune and make my name known? That's not what I'm aiming for. That's why I keep my milestones personal and share only a few pictures.
Everyone in this society follows the path laid before them. Maybe some stray a little, but they still come out owning a house, getting married, creating other humans, and working jobs they hate to pay for vacations that never last long enough. That is not the path I want right now.
I don't want to work everyday at a job I don't 100% love to save money for a future that doesn't talk to me. Will I realize the American dream is my dream? Maybe. But that's not something I'm going to focus my energy on right now. Right now I want to carry my weight, find skills that didn't know I had, make it through the day and still find good places to hang my hammock. Every day won't be fun or easy. Living in the city has those days, and the good days are even further away.
Yes I could do what the other people do and follow the path until death or divorce or cancer makes me open my eyes. I don't want to sell my soul to whatever company will buy it so the last some-odd years of my life can be enjoyable. I'm perfectly okay with earning my keep everyday I am alive. I will live my life the way I see fit, & I will not put energy into people and things that drag me down. I want to live my golden years the way I want to, how I want to, when I want to. No one is depending on me, besides myself. These are my choices and my ideas, and if I'm the only person that believes in me, then so be it.

Knowing who I don't want to be

Earlier today, I posted a picture from five years ago on my instagram. I have not used facebook, or any other form of social media besides small pics I post to my whole 104 IG followers. The most likes I have for one photo is 17. You wouldn't call me a celebrity, and thankfully, neither would I.

Here it is, 20ish year old Jennise. The context of who I was with is not only redundant, but unnecessary. I mentioned how it was before tattoos and gauges, and years before my dreads that I'm currently rocking. My mother was the first to comment about how adorable I was.
I didn't realize as I was posting that a lot of people were looking at a happy face and no tattoos and long untangled hair and seeing beauty. I feel more sad about this picture than the light and context put on.

I see a naive, stupid girl who didn't want to admidt she had no idea what she was doing. I was looking so hard for happiness in so many places, but I never wanted to look for myself for change or consolment. I wanted so many other people desire to make me happy. I wanted and wanted but and gave and gave and gave
But I never got anything in return.
Why?

I didn't love myself. I hated looking in the mirror.
My thighs were too big and my arms were too small and my forehead was this and my smile was that...
I kept looking at people i would never be
But I didn't want to be me.
Now I know. Now I'm there.

This is who I want to be.
I want to look like a warrior
Like a beast that will brave the battle.
I could look cute and attractive
But that doesn't survive.

I want to look like someone you won't mess with
Because so many people have- time and time again.
I want to scare you away if you don't know me
Because you don't deserve the chance to try and break me down.

I am my own lock
I am my own key.
I am my own dragon
And I am my own hero.