I didn't see you today. Some days I feel exhausted, and I lie in bed hoping that when I open my eyes, you wont appear. Maybe if I hold my morning yoga pose longer, or pick my music just right, you wont come into view.
I didn't miss you, I barely even thought about you-and it was incredible. The weight on my chest that you put there was nearly gone. I'm not sure where it went, but I hope that it merely dissipated; I would hate to transfer that emotion on to somebody else in order to save myself.
Oftentimes I'm conflicted between missing you, hating you, and cherishing you. You've changed the way the world looks to me, and am able to open up to complete strangers. We find solace in our shared romance with you, and we smile and roll our eyes at certain thoughts, and shake our heads looking at the ground on other memories.
You can be so cruel to the unsuspecting, jumping around a corner and latching on so quickly. Why do you feel so heavy? Like a wool coat soaked by a torrential downpour, or a roof bending under a winter snow.
Though you may be crippling, confusing, and dark, you have changed the view of the world for many. You have taken lives and destroyed households, but in your wake, you have left the light on for others. The art you have inspired is countless and diverse, and one could argue you are a rival to love, death, and faith.
Despair, depression, my dearest darkness that has been called so many things, I did not miss you today. I fear, however, that you have missed me. I am sure you will soon be back, and each step I take will drag you like a shadow behind me.
But until then, I shall dance without you.
Good night.

Stop focusing on what you don't have and focus on that which you do. Stop wanting, thinking and shoulding.
-
Lately the most I can write are journal entries. I'm starting small, and keeping it simple. I'm not going to revise these, I'm just going to get out what is bursting from inside me.
-
I am sitting at District Donuts in Lakeview. It's confusing, because you may think I'm near Seattle, when in reality, I'm on the outskirts of New Orleans. I'm waiting for my soon-to-be manager to walk through the doors and start my orientation. I was nearly late to the set time, but he was caught up, and is still on his way. I was able to get a chocolate milk donut and a tart lemonade. I'll be cashiering for this lovely company that is extremely community based and full of lively humans.
-
Two weeks ago, my Birthday Buddy sent me a box full of clothes from Tukwila. Some of the items were ones I had loaned her back in February. Two items that have quickly become my favorites (besides the glorious Thriller sweater my Possum Friend gave me) are a jean jacket and some glorious geanie pants. My Soul Sister also sent me a package of clothes I had left with her, and It's such an odd feeling to have a full wardrobe. I didn't believe others when they mentioned I lost weight, but no when I try on old clothes, I just sigh and nod.
-
I changed a flat tire on thanksgiving, and I now laugh at my annoyance. Comparing patching a tire inside a house with a floor pump, to the side of the highway after a long day and only a hand pump is worlds apart. Though it may difficult, it's worth looking past what I want and what I have. I want impenetrable tires, but i understand reality, and I have a warm house with a roof and all the supplies I need.
-
Keep changing your viewpoint. Question your moods and frame of mind. Love yourself more. Sleep well.
Jennise

There are so many ways we can become divided in this life. There are so many moments we are afraid and worried for what may happen in each minute of each day. The fear of the unknown can be far more crippling than the reality we may face.
Though it is easy to feel separated and scared right now, know you are not alone. You were never alone, you had so much help. Help isn't just a hand up when you're feeling down. Sometimes you need to be lower than you ever were before in order to see the changes you must make so you may not fall this deep ever again. Fear can be crippling. Sadness can make you a still body beneath sheets, wishing the bed could swallow you whole.
Remember that you are simply a human. Just one being on a spinning globe with over 7 billion others. You have made it passed obstacles and hurdles you never imagined, and there are still more to come.
Live each moment fully. Judge others openly and with a kind heart. We do not know what others have been through to make them the person they are today. Love others, love yourself, stay brave. Keep moving forward.