Imagine the grim Reaper standing next to you. He's exactly how you have always imagined, and you know this is the end. He reaches out to touch you, but you ask for just one more day.
What would you do with the last 24 hours of your life? Would you get ahold of that person you haven't talk to in years, to say that you're sorry and that you forgive them? Would you hold the person that you love the most and give them words to remember you by? What if you didn't have that one more day?
After months of relying on strangers and traveling blindly, riding on main highways in car or bike...My mortality is pretty obvious to me at this point. I know that there's the chance that I could be done with this journey any minute.
You call me morbid, but I would call me honest. I can't change the things that I've done in my past, but I can change how my future looks like, and. I have to start with right now. I have to work everyday to make my life one that I think is worth remembering.
When I was down in Texas, I helped with for a very kind of girl that I never met.I got to know her mother and her mother's supportive group of friends through a really trying time. Things will never be the same for her family, she passed away unexpectedly at a very young age close to mine. At the memorial service, they used items from her life to hold onto and look at while they talked about her and played music in her memory.
It's pretty easy for me to replace that girls name with mine. Replace her crying mother with my own. What if that was me? Would I be happy with the life that I've lived, and the items they hold on to? Would they know I lived life to the fullest I could?
Who you are is who you show the world, and what you show the world is based off of the person you have become. Your happiness with yourself is up to you. You can no longer blame you parents, or your upbringing, or the job that you hate. Remove all those things from your life, do you really think you would be that different of a person?
When I was ride sharing around the country, I was still the same person I was back in Seattle, Washington. I went back for the holidays only to realize nothing had changed. I wanted things to be different, but they were the same. Leaving the situation and coming back wasn't what was going to fix it- It was changing me. Took me more than 6 months of immersed travel to come to the realization that its me who needs to change.
Do yourself a favor. Look at your life, and take a deep breath, and really look. Are you where you want to be? How can you get to where you desire? What can you do to make yourself the person that you want to be? Look at your life like a painting. Would you frame the painting on the wall and hanging placard next to it? If your life were a movie, would you proudly put your name under "director", and smile when others came to see it. What if your life was a tattoo, would you proudly show it on your arm for all to see, or hide it and say, "I need a touch-up."
Scrutinize your life, scrutinize yourself. You are who you surround yourself with, you are what you do and how you do it. Love your life and love yourself. Do this for you and find pride in it.

Messy

People are complicated. We mostly mean to help you along the way
But sometimes words can slip out or get stuck in, and feelings can get hurt
Because we may all speak the same language
But what we say and what we mean can be two different things.
We may hang our heads or stand square and state our ideals
We may pray or sing or take a long walk
But we mostly mean well
And it's hard to mix us all together and have the outcome look smooth
Some ingredients may mix, or clump and spoil
And I could tell you how to bake a perfect bread
But my recipe will vary from yours
And maybe they'll be different loafs
But we can still find sustenance when shared together.

We're simple and complex in the strangest ways
It's easy to look at someone and judge what they've been through or where they are from
But we don't know the little details
The moments that fill them with uncontrollable emotion and wondrous thought
We only know our own feelings caused by other people and other moments
We're not clean, and we're far from tidy
But some of us know how to recycle the feelings given by others
And some horde and steal and beg
And some days I fear I'm that person
Then I remember Nicole telling me that paying it forward isn't instant, it's when you can
And I'll keep moving
And I can replenish the goodness
While still avoiding words like "owe"
Because we're all just a mess
I'm only the writing you see and the pictures I post
But I'm so much more
And you may see me as less
But I see a universe of possibilities in you
And I want to show you the love I have for you
Because it's endless and careful and engulfing
And i only want the best for you

Our choices are what made us who we have become
And we might not realize in the hustle of the every day bustle
But were always able to grow and change and become something new
But it's so easy to fall in line and forget our dreams
And then we look in the mirror and lust for other peoples ideals
And sit behind the screens and say "I should have gone"
Then make the same decisions next time.
People are difficult
And I would love to see the world from your eyes
To pick apart what you mean and how you learned to say it
With loving tender fingers that will put it all back together when I'm done
I want you to regret less and I want you to love more.
May we always have the childish demeanor to look up on something new with awe
And accept it for what it is.

My first three days of rhe MRT

6-25 was my Mississippi river trail. I got a relaxed start with Dianne, a beautiful soul with smile lines and sweet demeanour. She helped me with a place to stay the night before, and drove me to the Itasca bike shop.
I was able to talk to Jessie Locke, an amazing woman who has only been positive, supportive, and helpful. At the headwaters, there is a webcam pointing at the River start point. I was able to call her as she watched me pace back and forth while excitedly chatting about the trip at hand. She even got a pretty funny picture even though it's really blurry.
I began to pedal around 3 o'clock, where I left the park and headed north, following the river as it winds.
Minnesota is an absolutely beautiful state. The lush, green forest roll for miles. The wild flowers are in bloom right now, adding such a nice splash of color as I go.
I pedaled for about 35 miles, following the little green signs that let me know I was on the MRT. I stopped in Bemidji around 9:30, forgetting that it was a Saturday, and that all the campgrounds were going to be full. I went to a little bar called hot toddies, where I ate breakfast for dinner, and talked with some really kind people. The conversation started when the bartender mentioned that she really liked my hi-rez vest, stating she wanted to wear one to work. I had totally forgotten that it was on, only focusing on the food on my plate and the soreness in my legs.
I found myself in a friendly conversation with the gentleman sitting next to me, who were curious about my journey. Craig, a kind man who I found easy to trust, helped me with a place to stay for the night at an empty cabin not a far ride from the MRT route. He was easy to talk with, and very kindly help me with some of the issues on my bike. I had the seat really low, and a lot of nuts and screws loose, adding difficulty to the long miles that I was trekking. He even stopped to bring me breakfast the day that I left the cabin, and got me in contact with Harold, a retired college professor who spends his Summers along Lake Winnibigoshish, fishing and enjoying life. They shared hamburgers and beer with me the night of the 26th, and campfire to roast marshmallows upon.
Waking up today, June 27th, I realized the soreness in my body. My hips are feeling stiff, and my ankle is noticeably twingey.  Harold graciously offered to let me stay for a little bit longer, so I'll be here for one more night to rest and catch up on writing. This lake is a breathtaking 15 miles across, and I'm thankful I wasn't crazy enough to canoe the 'sippi.
Speaking of crazy, if you're interested following a brave man with a kind smile and adventurous spirit, check out travelingafro.com. James is canoeing the entirety of the Mississippi River! He started a few weeks before I did, but he's definitely traveling at a different pace, as the River winds and has portage's and dams to cross. I've been following it his updates, and I wish him the best along his journey. We may even be able to meet up for a day to exchange river stories and explore a small town.
The next town over that I should be reaching is Deer Creek, and then Grand Rapids by Wednesday. My pace has been roughly 30 miles a day, and I haven't been timing it really. I take breaks often, and whenever I take a break I make sure I drink lots of fluids and eat protein and fat.
I'm so thankful for this bed I'm laying right now. The world takes us to strange places, it's hard to tell where you'll end up. It's so nice to know that there are people that present themselves in a form of a stranger, but they are kind and they're helpful. There are people that pay it forward, there are people that only want the best for you. There are amazing humans everywhere that you go.
Continuous thank you so much to everyone who has helped me along this path. I'm incredibly blown away every single day I look back and see so many people that continue to help me and make my day and journey a wonderful one. For the friends that I've had for years, to the parents that raised me, to people that have known me for a handful of hours, thank you so much.
I've found myself saying thank you a lot lately, and I don't want it to I feel like it's loosing meaning with use. It means so much. Everything that you have done, or said, it has helped me to continue to become a better person. I hope to do the same for you, and to treat you with the love and respect that you've given me.
Live well, love hard, find happiness.

My new friend Harold at Lake Winnibigoshish

The continuously helpful and extremely kind Craig!

James French (travelingafro.com) on his first day of his Mississippi River canoe trip

Kindness

Labeling people into groups can be easy. We find the things that make them connected with others and stop there. It's hard to dip below the basic questions that barely skim the surface.
As I keep moving. I get more and more amazed with how many people want to help and support my journey. Some of these people know me so little, but they love and trust so openly.
I keep wanting to write about the people I've connected with in separate blogs, and I hope to as I find more time.
This post is about Bagley, Minnesota.
If you are driving US HWY 2 west through northern Minnesota, you'll probably miss it before you realise it had passed. Two bars, a bakery, two groceries and a post office. When looking at that list, it's easy to see why most people wouldn't think to stop except for gas.
I knew I wanted to make a pilgrimage of the Mississippi River Trail, so I posted on wwoof.org that I was hoping for a place up north to help work on a farm for a little. Bernis at the Honeyberry Farm responded to me and asked me to join them for a few weeks, and amazingly enough I found a ride all the way from Shreveport Louisiana up to Cass Lake, where she kindly picked me up. She showed me Bemidji, the closest city, and shared delicious elderberry juice, rhubarb bread and jam.
On the farm, I got to take care of farm animals, weed, help with shipping, and plant so many fruit trees. Honeyberries are new to the US, Bernis and Jim proudly import them and sell commercially. They also have a u-pick, which is hopfully picking as the summer warms up.
Honeyberries have a lot of similarities as blueberries, except for they are more tart. They are delicious, and phenomenal in baked goods or Jam.
Bernis kindly took me to town multiple times to meet so many lovely people. I met Dianne, whose smile brightened the entire day, and her stories were completely enthralling. She has such a lovely little farm with cows, chickens, and the most beautiful little dog named Glory. The happiness that woman exuded was moving.
I met Jeff and Angie, who have a huge list of Critters, and wonderful life advice I'm honored I got to hear. I got to show them Repo! The Genetic Opera, and I'm so pleased they love it. They were so kind and caring, and complete crack-ups. Angie can take anything from the dump and make it look as if it was made on etsy.
Kathy Steiner biked from Iowa to Canada in a week. She did that when she was in her late sixties. I have no words for how amazing that is. Her husband Leonard can talk your ear off, and you'll love every minute of it. He was so kind to gift me a bike to start this trail!
Sam and Caren Smith own Itasca sports,  without them, I wouldn't have been able to get moving. They have a great shop at Itasca state park, and I know I'll be back. The service they give is far above average, and their happiness is contagious.
Ron and Twylla (sp?) Help bring together the cutest little Cowboy Church I'll probably ever see. They find happiness singing, and playing instruments for others. The smiles in their eyes are consistent and warming to be around
The thing is with this blog post, you might look at it and only see names. It's hard to describe exactly what these people gave me. I was gifted some amazing things, like a bike, a helmet, places to stay, something to carry my stuff in, and other generous donations, but they gave me so much more. They gave me so much hope in the world around me. I looked at them and realized that they weren't just people. They're so much more than people, they're extraordinary human beings. Each have so many different stories and reasons that make them who they are.

Ron and Twylla

Dianne, and one of her goofy chickens

Bernis and I the day I got to Bemidji

Bernis and I were having a lovely chat when a chipmonk wandered in

Angie, a little slice of Portland who helped me feel a little closer to home

The world is made up of 7 billion of us.  There are so many beautiful, wonderful, helpful people out there, but it's easy to look at them and not see the potential that they have. I've been guilty of it, and this has definitely open my eyes to the realization that a small town is not just a small town. It's a community, and I was so so lucky to find my way into this one. There are so many amazing people out there that will blow you away. People are complicated, people are simple, and people can be beautiful.

What you've done has made you who you are
But you are not what you've done.

Life is full of lessons, but I'm not the first person to put those words together. Sometimes lessons are confusing and hard, and sometimes they're easy as pie. I have a hard time sitting in a classroom being told what my lesson will be, but out here I can roam the real world and find something that will change my life forever.
Not all lessons are immediate. Some lessons will take weeks, some many years, some lifetimes. I met somebody who showed me all my flaws. He never meant to, and I don't think he realizes how much he taught me, and all I can tell him is "thank you".
And I'm ready to be a new person. I'm ready to accept my old flaws and my old ways and put them in a box. The box woll never be shut, it'll never be ignored, it will always be there. That toy that you loved as a kid is still lost in the ground somewhere, maybe the paint has faded and the features a little less detailed, but it's still there. You're still the people that you used to be, you've just accepted them and moved forward and become someone new.
You are all of your miss-steps
You are all the things that you thought you could get rid of
You are messy and you are beautiful
You're not broken
You're not wrong
You're just difficult.
You are a hard lesson. You are bloody knees from running too fast when you were excited.
The feeling of butterflies in my stomach used to be a friend. I used to thrive on it, I used to think that it was the only way to make a decision. If I wasn't feeling that, then I wasn't feeling anything. But now I realize how naive I was.
I was chasing a feeling, not something tangible. I was confusing myself with beautiful dreams, and not caring about the reality.
Reality can be beautiful
It can be really hard to accept that the things that you see around you are what you are meant to see
Maybe you noticed a little bit more or little bit less or your focus isn't where other people's is
But you need to be aware of one thing
You are not a mistake
You are not seeing the wrong thing
You are not learning the wrong lessons or loving the wrong people
You can shift your perspective, you can learn from all those sleepless nights and the forced poetry you wrote about them. You're not wrong, you're just unsure
You're just uncomfortable by the mess that you left, and sometimes you can't go back and clean it up. You made this bed, and they say that you have to sleep in it, but you can remove the sheets.
You can watch them circle in the wash, blending their shapes together and rinsing away what used to be.
You can remake the bed, and the sheets might be the same, but they're cleaner and feel nice against your skin.
You don't have to be your own enemy, you don't have to beat yourself up and close your eyes tight when the mirror looks back at you.
You can be your own friend.
Love yourself.

You are not alone

When I write these blogs, pronouns like you and I are used often. I've noticed some confusion, and I do get questions about who they are directed towards or about.  A lot of times I'm writing to you, the reader, or writing to myself. I like to go back and read my writing and see it from a different angle. I'm constantly writing letters to my future self. I also like to skip names, incase the brutal emotion I rawly post is a bit much towards one person.
I'm currently house sitting, and am finding myself in lots of silence and low-key days. I'll get half way through a day, then realize I'm feeling lonely.
If you were to ask younger Jennise what her biggest fear is, she would have said being alone. I'm really a social person, and I have trouble embracing that it's just part of who I have always been.

Sometimes, in desperation, really dark times or really confusing moments, you may feel alone... But you're not. Everyone that you have met is still with you. That song stuck in your head? That was written by somebody, and produced by somebody, and loved by many. You are not alone, because that memory your mother or your friend that is no longer with you, or very far away, is still there. They touched you, they made you smile, they gave you the shirt that you're wearing.
I got a letter today from a friend in Texas, she drew a circle on a piece of paper filled with words. "My finger literally touched this spot riiiight here", and touching it made me feel close to her. I felt like I was holding a bit of her in my hand, though it's been weeks since I've seen her. I'm not alone, because Camille will always be with me wherever I go. I'll be able to hold on to the letter that she hand-wrote on the back of a "10 dumb things I gotta do" list. I'm not alone, even when I'm walking down a road with no soul in sight. I'm not alone, because when my laces were close to destroyed, Rich sent me new ones. When she wanted to help me along this journey, Jessie bought me this jacket. Nicole gave me this shirt the last time I was in Denver. When I ripped my thigh on a fence wrangling ducks, Angie gave me these pants. Sarah gave me a Journal that's almost full of my thoughts and expierices and worries.
It's not just the things that I own that make me not alone, that's not what I'm trying to get at. What I'm trying to say is, these people really wanted to make an impact on me. I have so little things in my backpack, but most of them have been touched or given by those who care for me. It's incredible, and it means that I have not been alone at one point in time, so I'm not alone now. You're reading this blog, which gives me the strength to know that you care or you're curious or you're becoming inspired.
I can't count how many people have helped me with rides, places to lay my head, extremely well-thought-out advice, and well wishes. Countless strangers on busses and trains start conversations with me, and nine times out of ten we part ways with smiles and clearer thoughts.

There are some times in depression or desperation or confusion where we do feel alone. Maybe we've been cooped up in the house too long, or at the same job for too long, or had something terrible happen and somebody is not giving us support. The list of how you started feeling this is endless. Maybe you have clinical depression, maybe you're going through a break up, maybe you've always felt alone in a crowded room.
 There are 7 billion people on this planet, there is at least one person out there that wants to give you the support that they think you deserve. It could be just one, a dozen, maybe it's hundreds or thousands or more. Find that song that you love, that movie that makes you laugh or cry, that book that feels like a friend when yours can't talk to you. Keep moving forward, because there are people out there. I don't just mean behind this screen, open your door, and open your heart.

A lot of people worry for safety in this day and age. I can only say I am as safe as humanly possible for myself. Yes, I have a small arsenal of weapons (thank you Allison, Rachel, and Dad) but I haven't used one in self defense in these past months. Almost every single person I meet voices worry for my safety. If that doesn't make you realize that we're all in this together, I'm not sure what does. I've met hundreds of people all ranging in size and shape and color and age, and they all just want me to be safe.
As we know all too well, there are terrible people in this world that want to cause harm. We can't let that hold us in doors and bar us from living. I met a woman who ownes of thrift shop in a small town. She told me "I hate people,I don't think I could do what you're doing", so she stays where she is comfortable.
Did not write this blog when I first left, I wrote it right now. The trust I have has been built up overtime. I only trusted my close group of friends and family, but nobody else. Day after day, week after week, I'm coming into contact with humans that really want to affect me positively. They could tear me down and steal my stuff and leave me out in the cold. I have been given help, I've been giving hugs, I've been given food and clothing and shelter. The amount of advice and positive wishes that are thrown my way amaze me.  A lot of people really do wish you well. Sometimes I've only known these people for a few minutes, but I trust them because I haven't had a reason not to.

If we really want it, we can make this world a beautiful place. We can send love and good energy and positive vibes. We could send letters, new underwear (thanks Mom!), or teach new skills or advice as we go. Everything is revolving, what you give comes back to you, and there's no reason to put out negative energy if you see it as recycling.
Stay safe, and be careful, but also find the comfort to trust and love, and possibly be fearless. Start small, smile at a stranger, share a conversation in line with someone you've never seen before. If you look for it, it's there. The happiness and the love and the support is there. You have to trust yourself and you have to trust the universe.
I love you and I want only the best for you.
Thank you for your time.

Own up to the things you did

I love my tattoos and broken habits
And the silence I find in necessary situations.
I love the foot I broke in multiple places as a kid
And twisted on a trampoline
Lost footing during a goal in soccer.
I love the weird colors my eyes change when I'm not paying attention
And the little details they pick up when someone is distracted.
I love my will to prove the voices wrong
And I to show them compassion one day.
I love my body, despite the things that have touched it in the past.
I love that I'm able to take my broken history and form new ideas.
I want to love the people that hurt me
Because maybe they didn't know better
And maybe love was all they wanted
But hurts less to ask first than to act.

Untitled.

I'm not living for a paycheck anymore
But here I am in the world dominated by green stacks
And I finally found what makes me happy
But they say I can't do it forever.
I'm aware that the world we live in isn't the silk of the movie screens
Or the flash of the camera off your gold sequined dress
And you can't only base your happiness
Off of the splendor in someone elses eyes.
So I ask for help
And help sometimes means money
Or food or a place to stay
Because I finally see what people are made of...
So little, and so much
And it blows me away
And I want to write sonnets and graffiti the city
But all I do is tumb-type it on this page.

I'll never forget finding my footing
Off a train in a dry state of being
But we tumbled through the river, and it felt like it could last forever
But we still said goodbye at the end.
That day was the moment it clicked
And I wrote about it on my ticket
"Today everything made sense...
It hurt, but it was worth it.
I had to go through the pain to get here."

So I'll try to write novels and poems and speeches
But nothing can explain the feeling
Of finally understanding the cycle in your heart
And becoming friends with the chaos.

Open hands and hopeful eyes

Hello lovely blog readers that keep up with my strange mix of poetry and storytelling. I'm currently on a farm in Minnesota. I'm WWOOFing and having an amazing time. I'm learning so much, and getting to know some amazing people that I wouldn't have met if I would have kept all my things, and my job, and my car.

This journey has been incredible. Yes, I am keeping a journal and I'm in the process of jotting down everything I can remember into a separate journal. Maybe later on I could possibly either write a book or publish more blogs. Needless to say, I don't know how it will form, but it will form and it will find It's way into your hands and eyeballs... and I hope it's lovely.
Today I come asking a question. Ive done my best during this journey to not ask for (what In consider) too much help. I have found small jobs along the way to continue my movements, and now I am 20 miles away from Lake Itasca State Park. Around a week and a half from now I will be somehow procuring a bike, making my way 2500 miles from the headwaters to the Delta of the Mississippi River.
A lot of you lovely people don't always know where I am, and sometimes are worried and message me to ask "are you still alive?"
I bought a device (with the help of a wonderful friend) that will track my GPS coordinates. It is called SPOT, and it will send an email toa list of my choosing. It will send a pre-program message, and then give you my GPS coordinates so you can see where I am. The catch with this device is that you have to buy it, and then pay for a yearly membership to get all of the fancy package details. The main function for this device is an emergency button that will track me if I move, and track emergency response vehicles that are on their way to my location to save me from whatever danger I am in.

So this is me politely asking you to donate a little bit.
By making a donation (any amount from a dollar upwards) I will be sending handwritten thank-you notes, with a poem inside. The poem will be unique to each person, as you will comment/mail/text/phone call me 3 words in which I will work into this poem. I will also add you to the email list, and promise that the next time I see you you will get the most fantasticly thankful hug of your life.

The easiest ways to send me help are as follows:
Venmo @Travelonvagabond
Squarecash cash.me/$Travelonvagabond
Paypal paypal.me/travelonvagabond

May your weekend be full of relaxing moments and lazy mornings. Thank you so much for reading.

**EDIT **

Holy crap, guys. My goal has been reached, two very kind people donated way more than I expected. I want to thank everybody for reading. I'm having a hard time forming many words. I will keep this post up if anyone desires to contribute, but please don't feel it is necessary. Anything donated will still go towards my travels in a positive way, helping me with getting a bike or replacing old clothes. Also, if you cannot contribute and still wants to be on the email list, please email me at Jennise.Gaines@gmail.com