Knowing who I don't want to be

Earlier today, I posted a picture from five years ago on my instagram. I have not used facebook, or any other form of social media besides small pics I post to my whole 104 IG followers. The most likes I have for one photo is 17. You wouldn't call me a celebrity, and thankfully, neither would I.

Here it is, 20ish year old Jennise. The context of who I was with is not only redundant, but unnecessary. I mentioned how it was before tattoos and gauges, and years before my dreads that I'm currently rocking. My mother was the first to comment about how adorable I was.
I didn't realize as I was posting that a lot of people were looking at a happy face and no tattoos and long untangled hair and seeing beauty. I feel more sad about this picture than the light and context put on.

I see a naive, stupid girl who didn't want to admidt she had no idea what she was doing. I was looking so hard for happiness in so many places, but I never wanted to look for myself for change or consolment. I wanted so many other people desire to make me happy. I wanted and wanted but and gave and gave and gave
But I never got anything in return.
Why?

I didn't love myself. I hated looking in the mirror.
My thighs were too big and my arms were too small and my forehead was this and my smile was that...
I kept looking at people i would never be
But I didn't want to be me.
Now I know. Now I'm there.

This is who I want to be.
I want to look like a warrior
Like a beast that will brave the battle.
I could look cute and attractive
But that doesn't survive.

I want to look like someone you won't mess with
Because so many people have- time and time again.
I want to scare you away if you don't know me
Because you don't deserve the chance to try and break me down.

I am my own lock
I am my own key.
I am my own dragon
And I am my own hero.