This might strike fear in a lot of people, but after months of being here, I find peace in it. Every question mark throws me into a state of awe when it is answered.
How will you eat? I don't know, but I haven't gone hungry yet
Where will you sleep? I don't know, but I have a hammock and a voice and one damn strong will.
Where are you going next? I don't know, does anyone you know have travel plans?
The list can go on. Yes, I get caught in anxiety and confusion sometimes, but then I look around, and I take a breath, and I laugh.
A few days ago in Denver, I was leaving a Buddhist Monastery when I was asked "Are you okay?"
I responded with tears. I just got a bill I couldn't pay. I wanted to talk to a close friend, but they were busy with their lives. I wanted to meditate, but all I could focus on was the pain in my limbs. shortly after, my friend texted me. A day later, I received word of a check that can pay the amount with some left over. I have a bed I can sleep in.
Every "I don't know" turned into a helping hand. I made it through another day, and no one was against me.
I am currently sitting in a quaint apartment in Austin, Texas. I am petting a dog named Teddy. Yesterday, the owner of this house let me borrow her car to go buy Teddy a cone because he is nervously itching anything in his reach. I am sleeping in her bed and eating her food...
and I haven't even met her yet.
She is a friend of a friend. She understands what it's like to be young and confused and living on so little money. I am glad, because I barely understand. So many people I have met want to offer and help and do anything possible to be there for me. We all help each other and are trusting, because we want this cycle to keep moving. Getting a job that holds me in a place I am not sure I want to be in is like looking at a jail sentence. I would rather feel the breeze in my hair while I was hurtling towards the unknown than have a steady paycheck that did nothing to support my happiness.
I am happy. In a weird, slightly demented, sometimes dizzying way, I am happy. I connect with people over the smallest of sentiments, and they want to give me their time an energy. Every on of these moments is a gift. Some give ideas of how to make money, some share stories of places I plan to visit, and some just want to listen. most of these conversations end on the same note of jealousy.
I wish I could do that. I have all these things keeping me from it. Maybe one day
That is so brave, I could never travel like that.
I could never think of doing that, but you're a badass.
Thank you, but here is some honesty; I don't always feel like a badass. My internal fraud police are telling me to get a job, settle down, stop kicking up so much dust. Some days, my megaphone is on and I can shout and march towards them forcefully. Other days, I stay indoors and keep quiet while lights flash and helicopters circle.
All I know is me. I have the ability to be strong and keep moving forward. I can keep putting one foot in front of the other, no matter what noise happens inside my head. I know I have depression and ADHD and anxiety, but my heart doesn't know that. It knows how to pump. My lungs know how to take the air around me and keep my body sustained off of it for a prolonged period of time. Stopping isn't an option, because right now, moving is what keeps me alive.
Keep adventuring. Love yourself. Be a badass.
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