The small steps

When people ask me how I got where I am today, I give them a small summary of a conversation had over wine with a good friend about what would make me happy. I looked at what my life was set up for and barreling towards, and I didn't like what I saw.

I looked around and saw all my clothes. A full closet, one side dresses, the other shirts and tops of all different fabrics and lengths. A large drawer for only t-shirts, which I religiously ordered off of the internet whenever the design 'called' to me. A drawer of misc dress up clothes, and separate drawers for my collection of underwear, pants, jeans, and lingerie. I had a large chest from my grandfather just for shoes. I had a stand up jewellery box, a shelf full with over 20 Monster High dolls, and a constantly messy floor. This was my stuff.

I had a solid job that had plenty of space for growth. My boss' were amazing and gave me plenty of wonderful opportunities to set my own schedule. Our clients were increasing and our days were filling up, and this gave me more money. I would find myself blowing through a paycheck, only to look back and think "I didn't need that doll", "I could have spent less on that meal", "Why did I buy that thing?"

These were the things that made me realize I wasn't happy.

I looked around at all these people that had my complete love and devotion, and I realized that staying there wasn't doing me much good. I was putting myself in situations that made me uncomfortable or unhappy, but kept telling myself that I was making them happy. Why wasn't this enough for me?

I felt like a terrible friend, employee and family member, until one by one I explained myself (usually clumsily and stumbling) to each of my people. The responses I got were a wide variety. I was overwhelmed by friends that wanted nothing more for me to find my happiness. I also ended up having a good amount of these turn into full conversations, exploring how they other person wanted to find their happiness as well.

I'll never forget who I was, but who I want to be is turning into who I am, day by day. These people still support me, and I constantly feel their love. I now live out of my 65 litre Osprey, and a couple of boxes (in constantly aware of) still at my mother's house. I keep receiving gifts, and am always working on sending them back out. I'm constantly flowing and I never want to see myself stagnant.

Thank you for helping me become the person I want to be.